One Step at a Time

June 17, 2009 at 6:44 am 7 comments

“…..Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal” – Author Unknown.  Right now, I feel as though my body is made of heavy putty.  My mind does not want to function.  I saw the Category titles just now…one is “A Word from Dan.”  I simply could not move.  All I could think of was, “There will be no more words from Dan.”  The only words we have from Dan are those we have in our heart, or the few we have on tape.

It’s only been almost 5 days since Dan went Home…but it feels like he’s been gone a long time.  Life goes on.  Memorial service arrangements have almost been completed.  Today I packed all of the medical supplies like tape, gauze, scissors (no meds), pillows and pajamas that Dan no longer needs.  But when I tried to take his clothes out of the closet, I felt ill.  I could not do it.  There is no rush…I just want to get the boxes for the Covasna County Red Cross shipped to Searcy for the container going to Romania.  The need is so great…how can I be selfish and keep things I’ll never use that are needed in Romania?  (click on the info in the right-hand column for further info).

I’m happy that his wedding ring fits my middle finger next to my wedding rings.  It is not very stylish, but it’s what I need.  The only reason I am writing the blog now is because I believe it may help somebody else in their struggle.  It is good therapy for me, but it is also baring my soul, exposing my weakness to others.  Some can’t handle the fact that I’m not what they want me to be.  But aren’t we all that way to some extent…otherwise, I Corinthians 13: 1-13 would not have been written.  Notice verse 4 – 6: “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

So what am I doing about my unhappiness over other people’s actions?  Dan went away, you know. So did others. First, I’m trusting that God will provide what I need.  I’m praying for those that I judge.  I’m in grief recovery therapy to help me deal with my losses.  I rest daily now. And, I just keep putting one foot in front of the other,  taking one step at a time.  “God is our refuge and strength, an ever present help in time of trouble.” Psalms 46: 1 — Anne    

Our God is a Mighty God.  He can even help us!

Our God is a Mighty God. He can even help us!

Let the Light shine in.  God's Light purifies the soul.

Let the Light shine in. God's Light purifies the soul.

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Entry filed under: Cancer's Dark Valley.

Memorials in Texas & OK The Fatigue Begins to Catch Up

7 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Sherrie Hammond  |  June 17, 2009 at 11:16 am

    Anne, These are beautiful thoughts and photos. I think you are doing just fine in your grief recovery … one step at a time … one day at a time. Simply stated, Grief just hurts for quite awhile, so prepare yourself for the mental-emotional journey as a one day at a time experience. In Jesus, believers are promised recovery, renewal, and refreshing will come in due time … Jesus heals every hurt … you will recover if you believe God can help you recover. Whatever we believe happens, so belief is all important. Recovery may take longer than you were expecting, but recovery is assured by our Lord Jesus ,,, because God has a planned purpose for your future.

    Jesus promises and says, “You will cry and be sad in this world … You will be full of sorrow, but your sorrow WILL change to joy … You may have pain now, but I will see you again. Your heart will be glad. No one will be able to take your joy away from you … I have said these things to you, so that you may have peace in Me. You will have trouble in the world, but be strong; I have conquered the world (John 16:20,22,23-
    SEB).” Paul states, “But, in all these things, we ARE more than conquerors through the One who loved us (Romans 8:37-SEB).”

    From the things you share on the blog, you are doing very good grief work. I’m glad you find rest each day. I’m glad you are cleaning out the sickness reminders that hurt. I am glad you are taking a break from the reminders that hurt too much right now … this is healthy and okay. You can clean out Dan’s clothes (the things that hurt too much) later … everything does not have to be done immediately. Grief takes time to overcome. If we go to fast, the grief is overwhelming. If we go to slow, the grief lingers into despair. Finding the right balance that works for you is the key. The right balance of grieving makes a blessed difference. I suggest, make some strong firm boundary limits on your daily grief time. If we spend all day grieving, then our life turns into a big mess and we sink into despair. God places limits around heaven … He lets good things in and keeps out the bad things. Therefore, we can place limits around our grief time by letting go of the painfully hurtful things, and balancing our grief ‘letting go’ time by daily putting helpful uplifting things on our insides. Balancing the good with the hurtful each day helps us recover.

    The things you are doing now is the right way to grieve. Clean out sad reminders, plus keep special memories & things. Writing your thoughts is therapeutic. However, you can keep private thoughts in a private journal if you feel uncomfortable publicly sharing your thoughts that some people may not understand or misjudge you. Stay away from negative people. Sometimes, Satan works through the weaknesses of well-meaning people for our hurt. Stay away from people who say or convey doomsday thinking and words like, “You will never get over your loss,” or “I don’t know how you will ever live again without your beloved,” or ” No one recovers from grief.” These thoughts and words are lies straight from Satan intended to steal your recovery from loss. Well meaning people may say these things out of their mouths, but these ideas are untrue for believers in Jesus. If we believe Satan’s lies, then the lies will ultimately steal our future purpose on this earth and rob our joy.

    Dan wouldn’t want you to stop living a good full life, but Satan wants to shut down your future and steal your joy. Why? Because Satan knows God has great plans for you in the future (Jeremiah 29:11). Instead, every time you encounter these negative people say to yourself, “By God’s grace I WILL heal from my grief and loss like Jesus promises! Be gone from me Satan! I will heal! I do not allow you, Satan, to steal my joy or my future hope, because God holds me in His Almighty Hand … AND God has a planned future purpose for my life!” Satan will flee. Been there and done that.

    Jesus says, “Don’t let your heart be troubled. You trust in God; trust in Me, too (John 14:1-SEB).”

    Love you,
    Sherrie

    Reply
  • 2. Janie Chambless  |  June 17, 2009 at 5:05 pm

    Ann,
    I too want to encourage you to take your time, dont rush, and rest in God. You still have all your first’s to go through. 1st July 4 w/o Dan, 1st birthday, anniversary, etc. These will all hurt but become bittersweet as God brings the good memories to mind for those days and you remember dan is happy and resting now. And you will indeed heal in you thoughts of him and eventully when you picture him you will no longer see the thin frail Dan, but the robust Dan you know so well. It will take time but it will happen. You have had loses before and you will be able to learn on the lessons you learned through them in how to handle one of your hardest losses. You were indeed made into one and this is a part of you you have lost. I continue to pray for you and you time of healing. You do not have to be strong for others, just rest in your Daddy’s arms and let Him carry you at this time. Your sis in Him. Janie(Rhcc)

    Reply
    • 3. godschildrenorg  |  June 17, 2009 at 6:29 pm

      Janie, Thank you, thank you for helping me look to the future and be prepared for all those firsts…that God will help me through. I worked too hard yesterday to “get things done,” and now I am so very tired. I will take your advice and rest in our Daddy’s arms, and ignore the “voice” saying that I’m lazy, ignore fatigue. There is always tomorrow…and if tomorrow doesn’t come, what doesn’t get done today does not matter. Right? : > ) Anne

      Reply
      • 4. Janie Chambless  |  June 19, 2009 at 1:50 pm

        Anne,
        You are so right…what does not get done will still be there to address later. God will let you know how to time the days. I am so happy you son is able to take over the medical details for you. I am in cancer treatment myself and I have finally decided next week I will begin to open the bills. I am blessed with great insurance but is handling what has been filed wrong etc and trying to get the doctors, insurance and hospital to work together while battle the fatiage you so well speak of.
        Be kind to yourself at this time as you would to others and block the voices except that of the H.S. and He certainly will not be beating you up at this time. He is our comfortor so listen well to Him and block the other. Forgive those who may offend at this time, leave it to God to instruct them unless you are lead to address it at a later date. When I told my son I had cancer he cried and then I have not heard from him since. This hurts at times but I know this is how he deals with abandenment issues. He is 30 but special needs and is still that 2yr old that has had a hard life. It amazes me some of the friends I have not heard from when I tell them but I have to realize they have issues they must deal with as well and my illness my bring their issue back full force in a very uncomfortable way that I am not aware of. The news is tho I am in treatment I should be around many years yet to work for God, so I wish they would not be scared. If it does become my time it will only be a win-win situation as I will be with my Father.

  • 5. Vicki  |  June 17, 2009 at 7:24 pm

    Thank you so much for continuing to share the journey of your life. We learn so much through the valleys. I really appreciate Sherrie’s words. I have not gone through this but her practical wisdom is no doubt borne of experience. What’s always comforting to me is knowing Jesus knows. Isaiah 53 says “he was a man of sorrows and familiar with suffering”. He counts your tears. He measures your burden. He cries with you as He did with his friends Mary and Martha. And I know His grace will sustain you in the darkness.

    Reply
    • 6. Fern Doyle  |  June 17, 2009 at 9:17 pm

      Anne, one day at a time. You need to handle things the way that is best for you. No one can tell you that you have to handle things in a certain way. Each of us are different and are affected in different ways. So, be yourself and do what you have to do, the way you need to do this and that.

      This is between you and God and he will help you each step of the way.
      Much love,
      Fern

      Reply
  • 7. Lil Kwast  |  June 18, 2009 at 5:42 pm

    You said, “Some can’t handle the fact that I’m not what they want me to be. ”

    It is disappointing to hear that anyone could express that to you, especially at this time. I don’t understand who in the world could have such an inclination to be so without mercy and compassion. The loss of loved ones has such a great impact on those left behind. How could someone not understand that, unless perhaps they have never lost a loved one, or maybe never loved someone? We do not exist to meet the expectations of other people. It is sad that anyone could inflict such hurt on the hurting.

    God is with you each step of the way. You have so many, many friends to help you get through the grief. Some days will be better, and then others will be very difficult. You are wise to write about it; writing is a catharsis for me as well. Thanks for sharing your life and letting us help to bear the pain.

    Reply

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