Too Much Too Close Together?

January 28, 2010 at 7:20 am 3 comments

Caring people cautioned me that the first Christmas, my first birthday, our first anniversary without Dan would be a painful challenge.   Did it help to have that information in advance?  Maybe.  At least I knew what was happening, but it did not make the pain any less.  My birthday was Dec. 22.

My first Christmas without Dan came just three days after my birthday.  Our anniversary was January 25, Monday, this week.  We would have been married 57 years had he lived.  I don’t know how I appeared to others.  But, since my friends have asked me to share my experience…I will tell you that I found myself withdrawing, numbing out, smiling as much as possible, but feeling dead inside…like a robot with a script going through the motions…for days at a time.  It felt like too much, too close together.

One time a client said to me, “You are a therapist.  You should not struggle with depression.”  Well, following that train of thought…a doctor should never be sick?  A dentist should never have a cavity?  A preacher will never feel fear?  If you are willing to deal with truth…therapists are people. Most of us have real feelings.  We are not robots programmed to live without feelings of loneliness, sadness, anger, confusion.

Somehow, knowing that does not help me deal with all the unwelcome emotions that draw me into my invisible cave where no one can discover what’s going on inside of me.   I withdraw.  I stop writing the blog.  I keep busy like a robot doing what has to be done.  (There is more work to do than I can possibly manage, so I just keep “going.”)  I sleep 5 or 6 hours each night.  No matter what time I go to bed, 6 hours later, I awake…but am too tired to get up.  Whether I like it or not, I am too, too human.

When I finally realize that I am in the Black Hole, withdrawing into my cave, I do the only things that bring light into the cave of depression.  I pray and  open my Bible to let God’s Word bathe my weary soul.  Then I make time for a Rapid Release Healing Therapy session with my Christian therapist.  Right now, I am hearing in my mind the song, “God Is So Good.”  Yes, God is so good; He’s so good to me.  He sent His Son.  I love Him so.  He’s so good to me. — Anne

God made it possible for me to have this house AND a good dog to protect me! God is so Good! (Levy took this photo on my birthday. What a lovely gift!)

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Entry filed under: but Not Alone.

In the Blackest of Nights Getting My Eyes Focused!

3 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Eileen  |  January 28, 2010 at 7:45 am

    What a charming house – the light green with the dark red roof is fun. And you’ve got a dog for protection – that is so wonderful. Thank you for sharing this story Anne. I well remember the Rapid Release Healing Therapy you did in Moscow several years back. Recently re-read those notes – so interesting. May the good Lord continue to feel so near and dear to you during these “firsts.* I can only image what it might feel like to have lived so long with someone and then have to say goodbye… Bless you, dear Anne.

    Reply
  • 2. Karen  |  January 28, 2010 at 3:28 pm

    Thank you for opening up; I hope that this too will be healing in its way. One of the most powerful C.S. Lewis books I’ve read is A Grief Observed, because it came straight from his heart. He wasn’t afraid to tell us how much everything hurt and how he managed to make it. You are loved and appreciated. Blessings on you and your work!

    Reply
  • 3. Nancy  |  February 9, 2010 at 3:12 pm

    Anne, thinking about you this morning and opened your blog. I know the five hours sleep. I’ve walked in your shoes. I’ve been in that black hole. I know I don’t have your strength, your faith, your knowledge of the scriptures. But I know your Lord and He will carry you through.

    We rejoice with you that you have refreshed and now you’re heading back to your apple green home. I’m excited for you to get your things in your kitchen so you can be the hostess you strive to be with your friends and family in Romania. Can’t wait to see photos after you get your pictures hung and table set.

    When you awaken and it’s too soon, and you stop and remember the words to the song “God is so Good”, remember that because of His goodness there are people all around this great big beautiful world that will be lifting your name before our Lord for peace and love and good works. God bless you, Dear Anne. We do love you.

    Reply

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